Tuesday, August 23, 2011

[i know more than i knew before]

I got back to Naples early Monday afternoon. I have not written, blogged or even thought about my visit to Connecticut… and I really don’t want to either. Honestly, this weekend taught me so much and has me questioning everything I ever thought I knew. I wish this past weekend didn’t happen – at least didn’t happen the way it did.

I spent a whole lot of money to sit in the woods crying with my friend Lisa. I took time off of work and flew the length of the country to be where my sister wanted to be when my sister wanted me to be there to have her tell me I’m creating the tension and making things awkward for everyone else. None of it was my fault (so says every accused party – but I did not create, ask for or egg on any of the aforementioned drama and tension!) In fact, I put forth so much effort to play nice – ass kissing even. Apparently that’s not enough and that makes things only worse. I suppose I should tell you that I was stone sober and in Connecticut for a camping bachelor/bachelorette party for my sister’s wedding. My ex is my sister’s finacee’s best man was also campingwith his now fiancee. The girl who is the reason that we’re no longer together.

This story is too long and involved, filled with a million ins and outs. I can’t possibly write it because it would be days long… and there would still be a million questions at the end of it. All I know is that everything I thought I could count on, I can’t. Everything that I thought was over, isn’t. Nothing is what I thought it to be.

This is not making sense. I’ll have to try again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll figure out how to verbalize the lessons I learned this weekend – what I took away from the weekend where salt was rubbed into my broken heart, my open wounds… I know I learned something (beyond that love hurts and will never fail to kick you when you’re down) that I could share here… It’s all just too fresh and too real still to take anything away from it besides a few shattered pieces of my heart and the ghosts of what once was to haunt me once again.

~Beth

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