Friday, August 26, 2011

I’m Learning

I know I will forever be learning. I will never, in all my time, know everything. The beauty of that is that absolutely no one will ever know everything, so I don’t need to feel inadequate in result of my ignorance. And in all honesty, I would never want to know it all.  I don’t want to know what it’s like to lose a sister, parent, friend at a young age. I don’t want to know what it’s like to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want children. I don’t want to know what it’s would be like to go through life never having graduated high school.  I’m fine not knowing what it’s like to be an only child or adopted. Childhood cancer is something I’m grateful that I cannot explain firsthand.  I’m alright with “forever learning”. 

Naples.
I’ve learned that calling Airport anything but Airport (actually Airport Pulling Road) screams tourist! Never for any reason at all is it anything but Airport! I guess, in all reality, Airport Pulling is only Airport, Goodlette Frank is only Goodlette, Vanderbilt Beach is only Vanderbilt, Livingston – well, that is only Livingston. Tamiami Trail is never said – it’s only 41!

I can tell you how to get to Naples Pier, without hesitation – taking the highway, 41 or “back roads” although I’m convinced real back roads simply do not exist in Florida.  Driving is much more fun up North! At the beach tonight, a couple came up to me and asked if Vanderbilt Beach was the one with the long boardwalk and the tram/golf cart that drives you to the beach… and get this, I knew the answer. “No, that’s not Vanderbilt.  If you go down 41 to Pine Ridge and take a right. It kind of looks like you’re going into a hotel parking lot, that’s the beach you’re looking for.”  Ha Ha! Snowbirds, I’m ready for ya!! I’m a local now!

Before I moved here, before I lived in a gated community, I thought gated communities were the bees knees, best thing since sliced bread.  Now that I live in one, I’d give anything to not live in one.  It has happened countless times in the four months that I have lived here, that our gates have not worked and we’ve been trapped in/out. It only lasts a couple of minutes till the office bypasses the lock and manually opens the gate but still obnoxious.  That’s not even mentioning that every time it rains they pretty much just leave the gates open to avoid said incidents… kind pointless then, huh?? Yeah, I think so to! My lease is up in November… I’m thinking it’s time to look around!

Connecticut creatures don’t hold a candle to Florida creatures… I’d take CT’s overabundance of moths, deer, junebugs (not to be confused with FL’s love bugs) and country mice over FL’s lizards, spiders, frogs, love bugs and one other kind of bug whose name will not make it onto my blog- EVER!  Seriously, Florida! More bugs than anything!!

I’m slowly starting to make friends, acquaintances at least. This past Monday I started a second job picking a 19 month old up from daycare by 5:30 (Monday thru Thursday) and keeping her until 8:00-8:30.  Her parents work at the gym that Lyla’s older sister takes gymnastics at so I’ve been bringing Jayden there and meeting more people through that. I’m definitely enjoying the interaction with humans again! I must say I was getting kind of rusty only seeing Lyla, her family and talking to my family and some friends on the phone. I needed some social stimulation!
*Speaking of which, I got a text from Paige today (Jayden’s mom) saying how grateful she was that I could bring Jayden back to the gym last night instead of them coming home. They got stuck in some late night drama with one of the girls and her mother.  I texted back something along the lines of “I know all too well things barely ever go as planned. No worries =)” to which she responded “I’m so happy to have you! Have a great weekend!”  It really is nice to be nice!!

If I make it to the beach for sunset – it never fails, there are never clouds, never brilliant colors. It’s always clear, blue skies, bright sun – nothing over the top spectacular. Don’t get me wrong! Every sunset is awe-inspiring and breathtaking, but I’ve witnessed a few sunsets that I only wish I could have seen from the beach.  I hit the beach around 3 today and stayed until sunset. I met some interesting people there too. No sooner had I walked on the beach and ‘set up camp’ this woman came up to me and offered her life story.  Weird? Slightly, yes.  But very interesting.  She proceeded to tell me her father died earlier this morning and that she needed to escape the reality of it for awhile and hit the beach for some silence.  She found a perfect conch shell and gave it to me (walking back a good distance to give it to me) wishing me a blessed day. Sweet woman.  Rest in peace, sweet woman’s father! (How terrible of me /us! We didn’t even introduce ourselves!) I also talked to some guys that were kite surfing. Holy intense water sport, batman!! Don’t know how I’d do with that one!! Very nice guys though!

Connecticut.
Connecticut to me equals drama and chaos. Connecticut equals running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off for every other person besides myself.  I’m a mere footnote in everyone else’s happiness.  But all that drama, chaos and running around fills a lot of the time that I claim to be bored in Naples.  Perhaps your supposed to dedicate a good majority of your time to helping everyone else around you … but seriously, when I was in CT, the only time I had to myself was between midnight and six am.  I’m not cool with that! There has to be some happy medium between extreme chaos and lackadaisical (?), slow paced – like painfully slow paced lifestyle down here.  I’m working on it.

I cannot believe how much money I have already spent on flying back and forth to the state I was in such a hurry to leave!! I haven’t been back a week and I’m already looking into flights again for my sister’s wedding in October. And after that I get back to Florida, my sister, brother-in-law and nephew are coming down for Thanksgiving and then I go back for Christmas… It’s hard to miss somewhere that you never really leave!!

I’ve learned that leaving gets easier.  I know what to expect in Florida.  I know Connecticut is still there and will always be there.  I still dread the coming and going on both ends. There is definitely a period of adjustment but it’s getting easier. 

With all of that said, tonight all of my family went to the grand opening of The Cheesecake Factory in Danbury (I’m from Brookfield but when talking to people who don’t know CT you say Danbury – Brookfield is a mere speck on the map!) and I would have given anything to be there.  I’m not gonna lie – I miss the spontaneous family get togethers. I need people in Florida. 

Life, Love & Other Things.
I sat at the beach for roughly five hours today.  I read. I listened to music. I talked to random people I have never seen before and probably never will again.  I swam in the craziness that was the Gulf – it’s barely ever as rough as it was tonight! The Coast Guard said no swimming, but to us New England girls those waves were nothing! As I sat there I got the ever present feeling that settles on me while watching sunset – I am small, so small. The world is a huge, gorgeous place.  Each and every day that I get to be on this planet, every sunset I get to take in, every laugh and smile, each tear and heartache is a moment that not only will I not ever get again, but the world will also never have again.  I have changed this world immensely – just being little old me. 

My broken heart, you know, the one that shattered almost exactly one week ago to the minute… I’m gonna learn from it. I’m going to be better because of it.  I’ll appreciate the next person who loves me more in result of such treatment.  I’ve already realized that if he really did have feelings for me, and I’m sure he does have some kind of feelings for me, but if they were genuine feelings he wouldn’t have hurt me that way.  He knew he was hurting me.  There was no way not to know as I hid in the woods crying. If he was worth my time and tears he would not have made me cry or hurt.  I’m by no means over this.  It still hurts to think about. My heart literally aches thinking about the situation, about not being able to have him as mine ever again … but eventually I’ll get over it and him. I’ll be a better person when that time comes!

Someday I’ll look back on this broken heart, on this painful time and realize that it made me strive for someone to love me differently than he did. I’ll realize that if I continued longing for him I’d ultimately have been longing to settle.  I deserve better than someone who can’t speak his mind when it comes to speaking for his heart.  Someday I will dry the tears of my heart-broken daughter, think back on this time and relate… when you think the world is over, that there isn’t another person in the world who you’ll love quite like him, that you can’t wake up next to anyone else and don’t want to grow old with anyone but him… and I’ll tell her the lessons I learned.  That though heartaches ache so deep breathing seems to hurt, one day you’ll wake up and think yourself a fool for ever loving such a person, someone who could hurt you and make you cry. 

Yeah, I’m learning… But that’s life – an on going, never ending lesson in life, love and growing up… (Grown ups are fictitious beings if you ask me – we’re all working on growing up, but we never get there!! Grown ups reside between the tooth fairy and Santa Clause… just around the corner from Prince Charming and Cupid)

I need to be well rested for another day of learning & growing up tomorrow. 
Today, in it’s slow paced, lazy glory, was a day well spent. 
Good Night – from a better place mentally!!
(Pictures to be added tomorrow!)
~Beth

 

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