Friday, September 23, 2011

And Again

I’m failing miserably at blogging recently.  I’m failing at taking pictures, at getting things crossed off my to-do list, of keeping my apartment clean, of doing laundry start to finish in the same day (who am I kidding? That never happens!).  I know procrastination is the name of my game. It always has been and it quite possibly always will be, but it’s been pretty severe recently.

I started a 10 day challenge weeks ago and only did day one/day ten technically.  Here’s day 9.
Ten Secrets. Nine Loves. Eight Fears. Seven Wants. Six Places. Five Foods. Four Books. Three Films. Two Songs. One Photo of Yourself.

In no specific order"

9- I love writing. I lose all sense of reality and sense of myself and “live” experiences I may never have had otherwise.

8- I love reading for the same reason.

7- My favorite series of books is the “In Death” series by Nora Roberts as JD Robb.  No really, you need to read them!

6- Ice cream... pretty much any flavor, any meal of the day any time of the year.

5- Babies – lots and lots of babies! I can’t wait to have kids of my own.DSC_0217Picture 529

4- Hanging out with friends, doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing as long as I’m with my friends it’s sure to be an amazing time.

3- I love my family – really I do!  Living 1,400 miles away only makes me love them more. 33 on the beachall of usfam2never a bad daypromseriouslywedding girlsHPIM1758

2- I LOVE MY NEPHEW!!! He’s the best thing that has happened to our family since.. well, ever!! das babylukers2mema lovinheartbreakersighDSC_0334DSC_8011DSC_8014

1- I love the beach, gulf coast sunsets, pools in every back yard, 3 hours to Disney World. I think that translates to I love Florida- more specifically Naples!

I have yet another flight booked back to CT.  That makes 4 times since May.  Semi crazy, no?
This time is lining up to be just as busy as the first three.
It all starts with a drive across the Alley to Ft. Lauderdale Airport at 4pm for a flight that leaves at 8 landing in Westchester Airport by 11:30.  My sister will pick me up, I’ll spend the night at her house, hang out for awhile there before heading to Brookfield where I need to bake two apple pies and two loves of pumpkin bread and cook some sort of main dish with my mother while watching my nephew.  Then we need to head to Thomaston to help my sister set up for the rehearsal dinner at her house before I need to drive back to Brookfield to pick my father up to then meet everyone at the church before heading back to Thomaston for dinner.  After that I am going to hang out with TJ and Mich (if all goes according to plan). And that’s just day one. Day two includes a surprise bachelorette party for my sister at Cadillac Ranch – line dancing yay!! (no sarcasm! I’m so incredibly serious! I haven’t been there in years and cannot wait!) I’ll be working at the daycare of course while I’m up there preparing for the insanity that is Country Kids Halloween.  I need to make an appearance at Widows, meet up with the Wallingford crew, I have drinks with another ‘friend’ (yes there’s quotes – they’re good quotes! I like those quotes!) all before a wedding on Friday, city *being New York City of course – that’s the only ‘city’ up north unlike Naples being considered a city in Florida!* Saturday and a baby shower Sunday to hop back on a plane Monday. Another jam packed, fun filled weekend in the north east! Oh and I forgot – apple picking at Blue Jay Orchards (real apple cider – they don’t know how to make it down here! I’m so psyched that I get to be in CT for fall! I’m missing the change of seasons a little. I’m so confused thinking that it’s still July with our 90 something degree temperatures!

Fun times ahead! Now I just need to stop procrastinating – get shoes and a flight back to Florida, pay off my dress and save up money for hair, nails, makeup and all that good stuff! Insanity ensues indeed!! =)

I’m looking forward to it!! (And looking forward to hitting the beach in late October to unwind after all that!)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Pretty Certain

My mother hates when I say this. I always say it sarcastically when I’m sick or tired or overwhelmed.  Hell, I pretty much just say it. And you can bet your ass I’m gonna say it again!


Don’t laugh! Don’t think I’m over exaggerating. Hear me out before you go passing judgment please! My brain feels about six times the size of my skull. My eyes feel like they’re going to pop out of my head because my brain is too big (imagine that guy with no hair in the play-doh kit that you put play-doh in and make him have hair – brains popping out of my eye holes and all), my stomach is flipping again, still. Every part of me aches like I participated in 10 tough mudder competitions today.  Seriously – I think I’m dying.  I have been in bed since 9 o’clock and if that doesn’t say something I don’t know what will get my point across.  Seeing as I’ve been lying in bed in a dark, cold room for pushing 3 hours and still sleep has yet to come, I’m taking some Tylenol PM and passing out – because that’s got to be better than dying right?

Some point in my life I’ll just feel right again, right??? 
Hope you’re having a better night than me!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011


I am thoroughly convinced that I did something personally to piss Blogger and/Windows Live Writer (what I use to write my posts – SO much better than just Blogger – look into it – it’s amazing – drag and drop, crop, edit and resize photos easily, change fonts, easy peasy lemon squeezy!! Check it out here)  But right – did something that pissed off Blogger and/or Live Writer and in one weekend I have lost a post, posted a post that did not post and .. well, that’s it, but isn’t that enough?!?! I posted this last night

I’m not saying this because I feel contractually obligated (there’s no contract!!) but MyMemories is AMAZING!! I am in love with this program! Here is a preview of what I’m working on!


Obviously this is only two pages of a book that is going to be pretty long and involved. For years I have been collecting family recipes, recipes off the back of graham cracker boxes and the latest, recipes from Pinterest (only the most amazing website in the world)!  I have a folder full of scraps of paper with scribbles of ‘pinch of and dash of’ recipes from family and the backs of cardboard boxes. It’s about time I did something with them! So now I’m combining - organizing according to season, putting it creatively – nicely – in a book that I will print out for the family and share as Christmas gifts! Very nice right?! AND it’s only September and I have put active effort into my Christmas gifts! This program works miracles!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

*upcoming* GIVEAWAY

(I had some extremely elaborate post with a whole lot more than just the giveaway – but Blogger felt it shouldn’t be posted I guess because I hit the publish button and it poofed into thin air! Way to be, Blogger! Way to be! I’ll be back tomorrow with the rest of the post that got lost in thin air!)

I have never caved on product review and giveaway offers before for many reasons.  I wasn’t worried about attracting readers to my blog as this is primarily for me.  Blogging simply acts as a way to write electronically that is accessible to me anywhere.  I also have never been given the opportunity to review and giveaway a product that interested me, that I felt I could genuinely like. 

That opportunity has come now and I couldn’t be more excited about it! This week I was contacted by MyMemories to download their product (MyMemories Suite v2 scrapbook software), play around with it and review it to then give away a copy, not to mention a promocode (coming soon) for the rest of my readers.  This program is truly amazing!! This program seriously makes scrapbooking insanely easy!  The website also offers paper packages, amazing embellishments, templates and free downloads.  I will be giving away a copy of the MyMemories Suite v2 scrapbook software within the next 10 days (an $80 value!). And the promocode that will be posted as soon as I have it will give you $10.00 of the purchase of the software which will then come with a $10.00 coupon for free downloads from  It’s a win/win situation for everyone! What more could you possibly ask for? 

Of course I agreed to my first giveaway/product review mere days before being diagnosed with a peptic ulcer, which is a little like dying, I’m not going to lie! The mere thought of food is nauseating still after almost a week of being on medication.  I’m so hungry I’m lightheaded but know that lightheaded is way better than dry heaving.  I have a headache that closely resembles a migraine but isn’t quite as debilitating.  It’s all so *sarcastically* wonderful!

All that being said, I’m not exactly sure when the giveaway is going to actually happen – within the next week to 10 days if all goes well, as I am putting together an example of what you can do with the scrapbooking program and website by MyMemories.  I’ll give you a hint – a small one – it’s helping me tackle my Christmas gifts now – yes in September from the ultimate Scrooge! Bonus? I think so!
Check out the MyMemories Blog @
And also their YouTube video-

Make sure to keep checking back to enter for your chance to win!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Beth Schaffer, M.D.

OK – I’m convinced.  I need letters after my name.  M.D. might be {more than} over the top but maybe “Beth Schaffer, I.C.D.W.M.O.P.B.A.W.T.L.T.Y.A.O.A.T.W.M.L.S.Y.P.” 
(stands for “I can’t deal with my own problems but am willing to listen to yours and offer advice that  will most likely solve your problems.") I can see why that might not catch on but is so entirely accurate on how people perceive me and approach me. 
My sister has been calling non-stop, now granted I am her sister and her maid of honor, but I mean daily “Do I have to invite…”  “How should I…” “What song…”. 
At the pool yesterday some woman was telling me her life story and her daughter’s life story and asking what I thought she should do. Do I have a sign on my back cause really, I know your life story but not your name!
Four weeks ago I started babysitting Monday through Thursday for a 20 month old from 5:30 to 8.  Her mom and I have become fast friends and I thoroughly enjoy talking/hanging out every night after she gets home. Last night she came home crying. She’s sick and worked a long day.  Her husband wasn’t coming right home and there was still a lot to do around the house.  Ultimately she broke down and told me that she and her husband are in a bad spot and she doesn’t see things getting better.  We talked and I helped with cleaning up from dinner and giving Jayden a bath and stayed well after she (Jayden – not her mom) was asleep talking.  She apologized for the verbal vomit but said (and I quote) “You just seem like someone I can talk to.”  I feel like that’s my sign – that the world feels like I’m just someone they can all talk to. I don’t mind at all. I actually quite enjoy talking and helping people.  It’s just strange that everyone I ever meet feels this way about me… that they can just talk to me.  I won’t complain – just wish I could figure out what about me exactly makes me “that person”!
I really wish, at least, that I made the salary that a person with letters after their name makes!

I don’t know if you know this but I’ll tell you just incase cause I think everyone should know -
SICK SUCKS!! Big time!  I ate 5 Ritz crackers and a cup of chicken broth today and it made me feel like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I keep telling everyone it’s like dying backwards … I don’t know exactly what that means – but it sounds painful (people have comeback with ‘you mean it feels like being born’ but no it doesn’t feel like that at all cause I’m assuming you feel pretty good those first few days after being born).  My insides are on fire. I’m starving but when I even think of food I dry heave so when it’s actually in front of me I run away with my hand pressed over my mouth taking as few breaths as possible until I can’t smell it anymore.  It’s all wonderful.  I’m taking Pepcid every 4-6 hours, TUMS every 4-6 minutes and chugging water like it’s my job in hopes to aid in the healing process. Really – sick sucks!

Of course right before I was diagnosed I agreed to do my first product review and eventual giveaway on my blog.  I’ve been working avidly on it – but my avid now is not quite up to my feeling good avid.  I’m working on it though!  It’s truly amazing! Check back tomorrow (if all goes according to plan!) for a more informative post!!! 


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

As it Turns Out

Remember here (about the 5th paragraph down) I mentioned I was sick – not the achoo kind but the “if-I-didn’t-know-better-I’d-think-I-was-pregnant” sick.  Well, apparently, as it turns out when you’re starving but there mere thought of consuming food makes you nauseous there’s a pretty good chance you have a stomach ulcer. 

And I really do think being run over by a monster truck parade would in fact be an improvement…

What causes them?  An unbalanced pH in your stomach – by foods you eat or more what I’m thinking caused mine is worry.  I never was much of a worrier but this is changing in my old age and my living 1,400 miles away from everyone I know and love.  Plus I’m not stop worrying about dresses, brown shoes, hair, plane tickets… there’s a lot of worrying going on right now.  It’s making it’s presence known and honestly, it’s already overstayed its welcome.  I can’t eat anything besides yogurt and green veggies. Everything else seems like it’s out to destroy me from the inside out. 

I just want to be better now…

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Steel in Us

The Steel In Us
by Diane Morrisey   Published 09-12-2001
We'll go forward from this moment. It's my job to have something to say.
They pay me to provide words that help make sense of that which troubles the American soul. But in this moment of airless shock when hot tears sting disbelieving eyes, the only thing I can find to say, the only words that seem to fit, must be addressed to the unknown author of this suffering.
You monster. You beast. You unspeakable bastard.
What lesson did you hope to teach us by your coward's attack on our World Trade Center, our Pentagon, us? What was it you hoped we would learn? Whatever it was, please know that you failed.
Did you want us to respect your cause? You just damned your cause.
Did you want to make us fear? You just steeled our resolve.
Did you want to tear us apart? You just brought us together.
Let me tell you about my people. We are a vast and quarrelsome family. A family rent by racial, social, political and class division, but a family nonetheless. We're frivolous, yes, capable of expending tremendous emotional energy on pop culture minutiae -- a singer's revealing dress, a ball team's misfortune, a cartoon mouse. We're wealthy, too, spoiled by the ready availability of trinkets and material goods, and maybe because of that, we walk through life with a certain sense of blithe entitlement. We are fundamentally decent though -- peace-loving and compassionate.
We struggle to know the right thing and to do it. And we are, the overwhelming majority of us, people of faith, believers in a just and loving God.
Some people -- you, perhaps -- think that many or all of this makes us weak. You're mistaken. We are not weak. Indeed, we are strong in ways that cannot be measured by arsenals.
In pain, yes. We're in pain now. We are in mourning and we are in shock.
We're still grappling with the unreality of the awful thing you did, still working to make ourselves understand that this isn't a special effect from some Hollywood blockbuster, isn't the plot development from a Tom Clancy novel. Both in terms of the awful scope of their ambition and the probable final death toll, your attacks are likely to go down as the worst act of terrorism in the history of the United States and, probably, the history of the world.
You have bloodied us as we have never been bloodied before.
But there's a gulf of difference between making us bloody and making us fall. This is the lesson Japan was taught to its bitter sorrow the last time anyone hit us this hard, the last time anyone brought us such abrupt and monumental pain. When roused, we are righteous in our outrage, terrible in our force.
When provoked by this level of barbarism, we will bear any suffering, pay any cost, go any length in the pursuit of justice.
I tell you without fear of contradiction, I know my people, as you, I think, do not. What I know reassures me. It also causes me to tremble with dread of the future.
In the days to come, there will be recriminating and accusation, fingers pointing to determine whose failure allowed this to happen and what can be done to prevent it from happening again. There will be heightened security, misguided talk of revoking basic freedoms. We'll go forward from this moment sobered, chastened, sad. But determined, too. Unimaginably determined.
The Steel In Us, you see, the steel in us is not always readily apparent. That aspect of our character is seldom understood by people who don't know us well. On this day the family's bickering is put on hold.
As Americans we will weep, as Americans we will mourn, we will rise in defense of all that we cherish.
So I ask again: what was it you hoped to teach us? It occurs to me that maybe you just wanted us to know the depths of your hatred. If that's the case, consider the message received. And take this message in exchange: You don't know my people. You don't know what we're capable of. You don't know what you just started.
But you're about to learn.

(pictures from here and here)

My sister found this article in some Chicago newspaper (if my memory serves me right) September 12, 2001.  We passed it along via e-mail and AOL.  Every year for ten years now I have reposted this very same article on the latest and greatest means of social media – AOL, e-mail, MySpace, Facebook and this year Blogger.  This article shook me – spoke volumes – found a way to voice every thought and feeling I had but didn’t know how to explain.

**I’ll be back later with more – I thought I could multi-task watching the memorial service and write – but I can’t…**

I was 17, about a week into my senior year of high school.
September 11, 2001 started normally – the struggle to get up and out of bed, to get dressed, to get out of the house looking somewhat dressed and actually drive to school instead of driving aimlessly skipping my first period (which was the school’s second period but seniors have privileges).  I walked into my DECA/Marketing class as the bell rang, sat in my seat, propped my head up in my hand and prepared myself to ‘listen’ to Mr. Hunyadi rambling off one of the ten stories he told repeatedly day after day, year after year.  I doodled and daydreamed – too cool for school and on top of the world (a slight case of senioritis!). The bell rang and I sprang from my seat.  My next class was meeting in the library which was just a short walk away so I excitedly ran from the room to find my friends in the crowded halls.  We hung out next to my friend’s lockers talking and laughing – oblivious and unaware of what was going on in planes that were possibly flying right over us at that very minute.
The next bell rang and we went our separate ways. Jackie, Jenn, Cassie and I walked together to the library and no sooner had we sat down and started working on our project that we were there to work on Mr. Javillionare told Mr. Geason what had happened.  Mr. Geason (our English teacher) told us to stop what we were doing – that there was something on the news he felt we should be watching. He turned the big screen TV that was in the corner of the library on and we immediately stopped talking.  We stared in disbelief.  We watched smoke billowing from the North tower of the World Trade Center just 70 miles from where we sat. Our principal, Mr. Boules, announced over the loud speaker, “The North tower of the World Trade Center is on fire.  We don’t know too much right now. For now we will remain in classes. I will let you know when we know more.” He chose his words carefully, keeping his statement simple.  Being so close to NYC a lot of students parents worked in the city, even some in the World Trade Center. 
It was surreal standing there mere minutes after talking and laughing with my friends.  It was terrifying to think what the people inside that building were experiencing.  Suddenly the South Tower was on fire – we saw the plane hit the second tower on live TV.  Everyone gasped. Hands slapped over gaping mouths.  Breath was held. My friends and I draped our arms over each other’s shoulders and fought tears.  The silence was deafening – broken again by the principal over the PA system, “A plane has just been flown into the second tower.  Teachers, the TVs are on in the library and the cafeteria. Please feel free to bring your students in to watch the news.”
I looked around and realized that only a handful of students and teachers not in my English class were in the library with us.  If I had any other class, if we weren’t scheduled to be in the library that day to work on our project I wouldn’t have witnessed the second tower being hit.  I realized we were of few students in our school that had seen it from the beginning. 
We stood speechless staring at the TV as other classes poured into the library, it got overly crowded – standing space was limited but we all edged a little closer to each other, grateful for the company of others on this day, at this trying time.  The principal announced each major even over the PA system “A plane has crashed into the Pentagon.” “A hijacked plane has crashed in a field just outside of Pittsburgh.” “The South Tower has collapsed.” “The North Tower has collapsed.”  It was all so surreal. 
At 8:30 that morning, everything was blissfully normal. It was a clear, bright blue skied, slight breeze, perfect weathered day.  By 11:02 our planes had been used as weapons against us, our financial center was devastated – in a “Nuclear Winter”, cell phones wouldn’t work because too many people were trying to use them. We were instructed not to use our phones to free up signal for those in need as we shared towers with NYC.  And when attacks stopped happening, when the FAA banned all flights anywhere in the US, the superintendent said we could go home.  Those who could drive could leave as soon as their student ID pictures were taken (it was the beginning of the year tradition) and other students would be bussed home around 1:00.  My friends and I streamlined to the auditorium being of the first to get our pictures taken before heading to our frequented hangout a mere coast down a hill from the high school – Whalen Pond.  We hung out, solemn in comparison to our normal upbeat and laughing trying to figure out what to do with ourselves next.  I don’t remember who said it – I think it was our friend Ghetto (Anthony) who said, “We should go donate blood".  A brilliant idea indeed!  We went to a church right up the road who constantly hosted blood drives for the American Red Cross and donated blood.  We all felt great about it knowing that we were contributing somehow – that there was a good chance our blood could possibly be pumping into a victim that very same day. 
After that we went our separate ways.  It was nearing our normal dismissal time from school and we all had after school jobs we needed to get ready for.  I drove home, passing the high school, my windows down in my Ford Escort and the radio up perhaps a little too loud trying to push reality out of my head even if it was only for the 5 minute drive.  And then this song came on – and I couldn’t help but think how appropriate it was… to seconds later realize it had already been ‘remixed’ with clips of the broadcasts throughout the day.

I pulled into my driveway to see my sister’s cars both there and I knew my mom and dad weren’t working either.  I was never so grateful to see a full house. I ran in and sat with my family watching the video footage of the destruction along the East coast for awhile before getting ready for work.
At work the halls were quiet. A lot of parents had picked their kids up early and understandably so. The normal chatter and laughter from kids was nonexistent and was replaced with am radio – the whole building listening to the same station.  The TV in the office playing the same footage over and over.  I took some of the babies outside, after all it was a gorgeous late summer tinged with the smell of fall. It was a perfect day that left me hoping that the morning was all a bad dream. That a little over the hour away from where I stood it wasn’t really hell on Earth. It was eerily quiet – with an airport not far away both to the East and West of us planes were always flying pretty low around us.  Normally there were at least two planes an hour flying low but that day there was nothing but silence. Nothing but a clear blue sky overhead. 
I went home after work and the TV was still blaring – still replaying the gut wrenching videos from earlier that morning.  Not even twelve hours later and I knew precisely when to flinch. “That puff of smoke and then the plane crashes into the second one”. Eerie, surreal, unbelievable… nauseating.  I had to walk away then. I simply couldn’t watch it anymore. I couldn’t think of people still alive in the rubble. I couldn’t think of what the search and rescue crews were finding.  I needed to be ignorant for awhile.  I went into my room and put a Friends rerun on, again grateful for ‘familiar faces’ and humor… but then there was one of Friends typical NY skyline views between scenes and my stomach flipped.  “They’re not there anymore. I’ll never walk by and look up again even though Erica always told me not to because that made me look like a tourist.” I was no tourist. My family, friends and I frequented the city. I walked past those towers hundreds of time – but every time I walked by them I always looked up.  It was dizzying, amazing what humans could do, beautiful and breathtaking.
esb tt
(we were all sorts of hot – I don’t know how accurate this is but the back of the picture says 9-11-94 – who knew what 7 years from that day could hold)

Every September 11, I watch the memorial service or record it if I have to be somewhere.  On the one year anniversary I was at Country Kids with 13 babies and 3 other women working with me.  We were listening to the radio and participated in the moment of silence – and in that minute all the babies even fell silent.  It was beautiful… and creepy.  There was a huge storm in Connecticut and New York that day with treacherous winds and driving rains.  A lot of the area was without power.  A blue sky day would have been too hard to take that day – God knew it. So He gave us rain, showed us His fury.  It was only fitting.
That day changed me as I am sure it changed every person in America.  It made us realized that threat was ever present. That in the middle of a clear blue perfect day things could go wrong.  It made us realize that even with our strength and our security measures things still could happen. It was humbling and eye opening.  It made you appreciate the things you had – your job, your family, your house.  The things that we take for granted without even realizing it.
field of flags3field of flags

In memory of all who have fallen and in honor of those who risk their lives and well-being for our freedom and safety – I will NEVER forget! ~*~9-11-01~*~
field of flags4
(photos by me – Field of Flags in Kent, CT – August 2010)

field of flags2

Hug those you love a little tighter tonight.
Thank whomever you believe in for what you have – as well as our soldiers.
I cannot believe it has been 10 years already.
We will always remember! God Bless! I <3 NYC!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dirty Little Secrets

It seems as though I’m having some issues when it comes to blogging :/
Sorry world! I know I’ve left you sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for what’s to come next.
I’m just drawing a blank. Life has been pretty quiet. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my nose in a book recently managing a book every day or two. When I’m not reading, I’m writing… like real writing – working on Novel Nine (I need to work on a name for this one – by far my favorite that I have written but the name just isn’t there yet). Real writing as opposed to this rambling, venting, babbling that I do here.
My sister’s wedding is coming up (seven weeks and one day until the day of her wedding!). I cannot wait – for many reasons. I can’t wait to watch her walk down the aisle, to sign her marriage license as her witness and maid of honor, to have a champagne toast early in the morning in the bridal sweet at the Villa Bianca. I can’t wait to have us all done up again to party like rock stars. I can’t wait to make my speech (that is more comedy than anything!) that I have yet to write but it’s all up here (tapping my noggin). Perhaps that’s some productive writing I could be doing! I also can’t wait because after her wedding is over my bank account will breathe a little easier… and so will I! You’d think that will all that money being spent on flights, dresses, alterations (flying in order to have said dress altered), shoes, make-up, mani-pedis, hair… all that good stuff I would refrain from frivolous spending. But nope, not this chick! I’ve needed clothes since, well, 2006-ish, and when do I actually buy some? Like a decent amount of money spent on a decent amount of clothing – yeap, right now, in the midst of wedding spending spree!! :: shrugs shoulders :: I will live. I will make it through this. Everything always comes together. Everything that needs to happen happens somehow or another.

Due to lack of motivation, inspiration, hell, dedication – I’m going to participate in another challenge (although this didn’t help when I tried the photography challenge. I think I stopped on day 4?! Whoops!)
But really – gung-ho on this one! (found through
The Mean Girl Diaries and she found it through Tales of a Hockey Wife)

Day 1 : 10 Secrets

~Once upon a time I had to sleep in a pitch black room with almost eerie silence. Since I moved to Florida I have to sleep with a light on (normally the lamp in the living room as it’s my “middle room” and it lights up my entire apartment) and I cringe when the central air shuts off. The silence here is pretty deafening!

~I want babies more than I want to be married. It’s not that I don’t want to get married but if I had to pick one or the other I would pick babies eleven times out of ten. I want to be a mother more than anything in this world – so bad that it literally / physically hurts. I’m not sure this is a big secret but it’s counting.

~I feel like I don’t belong in my family. My parents always wanted two children and didn’t shy away from telling my two older sisters and I this. I am number three. I know their life would have been completely different without me – different as in easier. One less mouth to feed, one less child to clothe and bring to the doctors… Maybe if there were only two kids they would have spent less time moving and have a forever home and be genuinely happy without scars that no one dares to talk about.

~My father spent a year in prison. I grew up in a family that a situation didn’t exist if we didn’t talk about it. I so badly want to ask him about it, what it was like… but I’m afraid of the waves that will cause. (I was 18 when he was in jail and I spent the first two to three months running out of the house when he called so I didn’t have to talk to him – “out of sight, out of mind”, “ignorance is bliss” I don’t know what my reasoning was. One day I got “trapped” and my mom handed me the phone. I talked to him for the allotted fifteen minutes (we didn’t discuss why I hadn’t spoken to him in so long) and then went in my room and cried for two days straight.

~I wouldn’t have made it to 27 if it weren’t for my friends, Trish and Michelle. They seriously are my rocks, my solid foundation, my go-to girls when it comes to anything. We have been friends since we were 12. Long stretches of time have passed without seeing and/or talking and whenever we hang out again it’s like we never left. We have been there for each other through everything even if we didn’t entirely support the other’s decisions – we always supported them… I seriously have two of the best friends in entire world!!

~I have a book – not a novel – that I write when I need to escape reality. I have been working on this one since I was fourteen. It will never be published because everything that happens in the novel is very similar to what has happened in my real life. It’d be like publishing everything I have ever thought, felt, witnessed and wished over the past 13 years. That’d be unnerving to say the least!

~On the way to Florida I slept with my ex-boyfriend that I swore I would never even see again. I feel like crap because of it. I only let myself down in result of it but sometimes those are the failures that hurt the most.

~I was raped when I was just 16 (3 weeks after my 16th birthday). No one knows (not even the two best friends that I have had forever and would die for). My family doesn’t know about this blog so they still won’t know. I don’t know what this says about me – that I can put this out in the blogosphere before I can tell my family. Perhaps this connects back to the secret of feeling as though I don’t belong.

~I want to donate my eggs. I want to do it to help a couple have a baby … but it would also help me breathe a little easier financially. It sounds terrible to give up my ‘baby’ for money, but then I get to thinking about it and realize that it’s probably better off to donate my eggs then to have them go unused. I’m still on the fence but I’m thinking the red numbers that are piling up are eventually going to do the deciding for me…

~I miss Connecticut. I DO NOT miss the cold and the drama and chaos. I miss the familiarity. I miss having friends to hang out with. I miss my family, mostly my nephew. I feel guilty not being there for my sister in the last few weeks before her wedding when I am the maid of honor. I am missing Michelle’s pregnancy – the first baby in our group of 3. I miss Mondays at Maggie’s, Tuesdays at O’Connors, Wednesdays at Widow’s, Thirsty Thursdays where ever the party was, where ever our friends band was playing Friday and Saturday and back to Widow’s on Sunday for Open Mic night. It all makes me sad. I kind of (really want to) pack up my car and head “home” but I feel (know) I have not give Florida enough time yet. I’m also afraid that everyone who doubted my ever moving here will have a field day on me if I don’t make it at least a year. I have to rough it until May ‘12. After that I can make a better educated decision.

Truth be told – that’s a lot of baggage… I keep secrets apparently. Maybe I need to work on this… Just a thought!
That’s all for now. It’s 2 am and I have absolutely no idea what time I’m supposed to be working tomorrow!! Just because I am up so late / early, Danielle will text me asking for an 8am morning. :::Sigh!:::

(right now if I were in CT I would be at Widow’s heading into the kitchen – we were good friends with the bartenders and owners – where we would hide out eating salad until the crowd was forced out and we could head back out into the bar continuing to drink while helping clean. I miss cleaning up after a bar full of drunks is kind of what that translates to!)

Friday, September 2, 2011

Can’t Buy Me Love (aka Le Sigh)

People blog for many different reasons, some of those reasons being: journaling, an out, connecting & relating, to find friends, keep in touch with family, find someone in similar situations to them so they don’t feel alone.  Above all those though, it’s mostly a way to write, a reason to sit and think, stringing words together to commemorate their lives, the things they have done and the feelings and thoughts they have had.  Having a blog is pointless, though, if you don’t actually blog.  I’m guilty of abandoning WA&PT for the past week pretty much.  I posted a few senseless posts just to be able to say “yeah, I posted something” but none of it was really blog worthy.

The past week has been… quietly eventful, if that even makes any sense.  Lyla’s family recently moved so I have spent a whole lot of time with Lyla because two and a half year olds aren’t really helpful in the moving process.  The past week has been grey and dreary… not depressing, just need to stay inside, no pool, no beach, no park… ok, perhaps it was a little depressing.  The sun graced us with it’s presence today, accompanied by brilliantly bright blue skies and happy clouds. And what did Lyla and I do with our first sunny day in forever?  Homegirl decided to nap today, like fell asleep in the car on the ride from her house to my apartment, where I was planning on just doing lunch and then heading out somewhere anywhere outside under blue skies and allowing the sun to grace my cheeks with it’s oh so missed warmth.  Normally when Lyla falls asleep in the car she doesn’t transfer to a couch/bed.  It usually happens that when I turn the car off, she hears the car doors unlock and she’s awake.  Of course today, the day that I’m itching to get outside, she not only transfers but naps like we have refused her sleep for days… weeks even.  I can usually get her to stir by putting the TV on (kind of loud), doing the dishes (and making a lot of noise unintentionally) or starting a load of laundry.  Today she didn’t flinch or move a muscle. I probably could have done a running leap onto her and she would have slept through it – le sigh.  So I curled up with a book and read like I have been for so many days now. 

Around 3:30 she finally woke up! Yay!  And that’s when her mom texts a short list of “things to do”: needs more diapers, pick up milk?, stop by old house and…, stop at the bank, cash this, drop this off… again, le sigh.  I powered through the chores. They were easy and I don’t mind… just really, on the first nice day?  I headed West and was determined to have my un-manicured toes in the Gulf for any length of time today, even if it was only mere minutes… but the closer to the water I got, the grayer the skies got.  And then the world just about ended as the sky fell… and the heavens and I think I even saw a few litters of cats and dogs in there!  I mean like running from the car to where ever it was that you were going could have counted as a shower if you had a bar of soap

Lyla and I did hit the library in between all of our running around. She’s absolutely obsessed with books recently and I can’t help but smile because I’ve been working on that since April!  Every time before we go into the library I always tell Lyla what I expect from her while we’re in there.  I always say “inside voices, walking feet and stay where I can see you”.  She listens pretty well and I’m not so worried on the children’s side.  The volume is always pretty average, not dull whispers yet not yelling so we do alright in there. When we head to the adult side of the library I make sure to reiterate “inside voices, walking feet, stay close please”.  We always go to her side first so she has books to look out while I’m searching for what I want.  The only problem with that is she keeps her nose in the book and doesn’t pay attention to when I stop and just keeps walking.  I stopped in the section that I needed to be in and Lyla kept walking. I whisper to her “Lyla, over here”. She didn’t respond.  So I say at a pretty average volume level, “Lyla, stay over here.”  Oh, how I wish I had a video camera for this next part.  Well, sassy miss that she’s becoming recently, looks up from her book with a ‘how rude’ glare and says whispers “Bethy, inside voices!” Le sigh!  I couldn’t help but laugh as she turned her attention right back to her Dora book.  Priceless, I tell ya!

On top of all that, I’ve been sick recently.  Not the “achoo” sneeze kind of sick… the “if I didn’t know better I’d think I was pregnant” sick.  Like craving foods, caving and making/getting whatever it is that I’m dying for and then feeling like I’m going to toss my cookies when it’s in front of me.  Deathly headaches, utter exhaustion that I have to bribe myself to get out of bed, aches like a 90-something-year old, pains like I was kicked in the stomach 129 times after falling down 10 flights of stairs and kayaking the Nile…  It has been wonderful! Perhaps being run over by a monster truck parade would be an improvement?

Gloomy days, sassin’, an epic Gulf fail, ungodly sickness and errands recapped and I haven’t even touched down on what I want to say. I suppose this is what happens when you abandon “blog”ship for days!

It’s no secret that money is tight in my life.  I’m more than 100% sure that 87% of America would agree that money is tight in their lives too, and the other 13% are just playin’ it cool for the crowds and biting their nails staring at their bank statements.  *Did you know that more they 93% of statistics are made up on the spot? Just sayin’ Winking smile*  I know that a majority of my problem is that I live above my means.  I do too much. My jet-setting lifestyle has taken its toll on my savings account (and I’m looking into more flights already because my sister is getting married 8 weeks from tonight). I am often stealing from Peter to pay Paul… ie, deferring a car insurance payment in the month of July to be able to afford the chaos and insanity that was my sister’s bridal shower (and somehow messing it all up when I went to make the double payment today using my Brookfield bank account instead of my Naples one and hello negative bank account balances that I need to call up my mom, deposit my money into her account to have her go deposit it into my little local bank account before they charge me $30.00 a day for overdraft fees.  :::le sigh, again/still!::: ).  I recently picked up a second job that is supposed to pay for all of my wedding related expenses like shoes, my dress, hair, make up, nails, flights (my blood pressure is rising thinking about this!) and instead it’s been paying off what I fell behind in the last time I went to CT.  

I am very well aware of the fact that money will not buy me love or happiness. It cannot guarantee my health and my family’s well-being.  I know that the more money you have the more you spend, therefore you are forever living above your means and will never have enough, make enough… I know that wishing for money, pining for it, wondering what you can sell to have more to be able to breathe a little easier isn’t the solution to any of my problems.  The only way to solve this hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck BS that is my current way of life is to change the way I live.  Driving a little less (refer back to errands for work :/ ), using coupons, buying store brands and sale items.  I also have a problem with wanting everything for Lyla (and now Jayden too!).  Instead of taking toys from Lyla’s house to have at my apartment, I have gone out and bought new ones when I can “afford it”, although I can never truly afford it! Perhaps flying back to CT for every event that has happened since I moved to Florida is a little frivolous and over the top but I know that I would one day regret not being at my nephew’s first birthday party, a great friend’s wedding, my sister’s bridal shower, my best friend’s baby shower.  Those memories are truly priceless and someday down the line I won’t remember the fact that not only did I defer an insurance payment, mess up the double payment, overdraw the wrong bank account then losing an extra $30.00 in overdraft fees in a result of all that…  None of that will matter. I didn’t take pictures of me pouting outside the bank. I’ll eventually throw out the bill of the double payment and never remember this part of the story (well, now I will thanks to actually blogging about it but you know what I mean!) – and that in and of itself is confirmation that I am doing the right thing, making the right choices.

I just… (le sigh) I just wish I could have a little cushion to fall back onI’m not talking a bank account in the Cayman Islands (thought I wouldn’t complain) under an alias of Nollaf Bethazile Nena Faschfer (that’s just my real name scrambled, fyi) with ten figures.  I’m just talking a couple thousand that makes eating a Pei-Wei just another day instead of a special feast in comparison to my breakfast, lunch and dinner consisting of cereal and fruit or turkey sandwiches; just $60.00 extra somewhere to buy an effin vacuum that works! (you know you’re old when… much?!?!) I’m not looking for a 4,000 square foot house surrounded by water with killer views of the sunrise and sunset.

Again, I know money will not buy me love, happiness, health and an indelible smile.  Money comes with its own brood of problems.  I’m aware.  It just has to offer a little peace of mind, an “ah moment” if you will when let’s say (knock on wood, bite my tongue and your tongue too!) should something happen to me there’s a soft place to land, something to aide me in getting back on my feet. There has to be some secret that I haven’t been let in on yet.  Guess I can only wait and see what happens, work hard to change my habits and hope for the best =)

ice cream

Suppose that’s all the rambling I will unload onto you for tonight.

BTW – If you think about it, these days money can buy love via, eharmony… (recently I’ve been debating signing up for one or the other – but I don’t have the money… once more – le sigh!)

& six le sighs in one post is so totally ok, incase you’re wondering!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...