Friday, September 2, 2011

Can’t Buy Me Love (aka Le Sigh)


People blog for many different reasons, some of those reasons being: journaling, an out, connecting & relating, to find friends, keep in touch with family, find someone in similar situations to them so they don’t feel alone.  Above all those though, it’s mostly a way to write, a reason to sit and think, stringing words together to commemorate their lives, the things they have done and the feelings and thoughts they have had.  Having a blog is pointless, though, if you don’t actually blog.  I’m guilty of abandoning WA&PT for the past week pretty much.  I posted a few senseless posts just to be able to say “yeah, I posted something” but none of it was really blog worthy.

The past week has been… quietly eventful, if that even makes any sense.  Lyla’s family recently moved so I have spent a whole lot of time with Lyla because two and a half year olds aren’t really helpful in the moving process.  The past week has been grey and dreary… not depressing, just need to stay inside, no pool, no beach, no park… ok, perhaps it was a little depressing.  The sun graced us with it’s presence today, accompanied by brilliantly bright blue skies and happy clouds. And what did Lyla and I do with our first sunny day in forever?  Homegirl decided to nap today, like fell asleep in the car on the ride from her house to my apartment, where I was planning on just doing lunch and then heading out somewhere anywhere outside under blue skies and allowing the sun to grace my cheeks with it’s oh so missed warmth.  Normally when Lyla falls asleep in the car she doesn’t transfer to a couch/bed.  It usually happens that when I turn the car off, she hears the car doors unlock and she’s awake.  Of course today, the day that I’m itching to get outside, she not only transfers but naps like we have refused her sleep for days… weeks even.  I can usually get her to stir by putting the TV on (kind of loud), doing the dishes (and making a lot of noise unintentionally) or starting a load of laundry.  Today she didn’t flinch or move a muscle. I probably could have done a running leap onto her and she would have slept through it – le sigh.  So I curled up with a book and read like I have been for so many days now. 

Around 3:30 she finally woke up! Yay!  And that’s when her mom texts a short list of “things to do”: needs more diapers, pick up milk?, stop by old house and…, stop at the bank, cash this, drop this off… again, le sigh.  I powered through the chores. They were easy and I don’t mind… just really, on the first nice day?  I headed West and was determined to have my un-manicured toes in the Gulf for any length of time today, even if it was only mere minutes… but the closer to the water I got, the grayer the skies got.  And then the world just about ended as the sky fell… and the heavens and I think I even saw a few litters of cats and dogs in there!  I mean like running from the car to where ever it was that you were going could have counted as a shower if you had a bar of soap

Lyla and I did hit the library in between all of our running around. She’s absolutely obsessed with books recently and I can’t help but smile because I’ve been working on that since April!  Every time before we go into the library I always tell Lyla what I expect from her while we’re in there.  I always say “inside voices, walking feet and stay where I can see you”.  She listens pretty well and I’m not so worried on the children’s side.  The volume is always pretty average, not dull whispers yet not yelling so we do alright in there. When we head to the adult side of the library I make sure to reiterate “inside voices, walking feet, stay close please”.  We always go to her side first so she has books to look out while I’m searching for what I want.  The only problem with that is she keeps her nose in the book and doesn’t pay attention to when I stop and just keeps walking.  I stopped in the section that I needed to be in and Lyla kept walking. I whisper to her “Lyla, over here”. She didn’t respond.  So I say at a pretty average volume level, “Lyla, stay over here.”  Oh, how I wish I had a video camera for this next part.  Well, sassy miss that she’s becoming recently, looks up from her book with a ‘how rude’ glare and says whispers “Bethy, inside voices!” Le sigh!  I couldn’t help but laugh as she turned her attention right back to her Dora book.  Priceless, I tell ya!

On top of all that, I’ve been sick recently.  Not the “achoo” sneeze kind of sick… the “if I didn’t know better I’d think I was pregnant” sick.  Like craving foods, caving and making/getting whatever it is that I’m dying for and then feeling like I’m going to toss my cookies when it’s in front of me.  Deathly headaches, utter exhaustion that I have to bribe myself to get out of bed, aches like a 90-something-year old, pains like I was kicked in the stomach 129 times after falling down 10 flights of stairs and kayaking the Nile…  It has been wonderful! Perhaps being run over by a monster truck parade would be an improvement?

Gloomy days, sassin’, an epic Gulf fail, ungodly sickness and errands recapped and I haven’t even touched down on what I want to say. I suppose this is what happens when you abandon “blog”ship for days!

It’s no secret that money is tight in my life.  I’m more than 100% sure that 87% of America would agree that money is tight in their lives too, and the other 13% are just playin’ it cool for the crowds and biting their nails staring at their bank statements.  *Did you know that more they 93% of statistics are made up on the spot? Just sayin’ Winking smile*  I know that a majority of my problem is that I live above my means.  I do too much. My jet-setting lifestyle has taken its toll on my savings account (and I’m looking into more flights already because my sister is getting married 8 weeks from tonight). I am often stealing from Peter to pay Paul… ie, deferring a car insurance payment in the month of July to be able to afford the chaos and insanity that was my sister’s bridal shower (and somehow messing it all up when I went to make the double payment today using my Brookfield bank account instead of my Naples one and hello negative bank account balances that I need to call up my mom, deposit my money into her account to have her go deposit it into my little local bank account before they charge me $30.00 a day for overdraft fees.  :::le sigh, again/still!::: ).  I recently picked up a second job that is supposed to pay for all of my wedding related expenses like shoes, my dress, hair, make up, nails, flights (my blood pressure is rising thinking about this!) and instead it’s been paying off what I fell behind in the last time I went to CT.  

I am very well aware of the fact that money will not buy me love or happiness. It cannot guarantee my health and my family’s well-being.  I know that the more money you have the more you spend, therefore you are forever living above your means and will never have enough, make enough… I know that wishing for money, pining for it, wondering what you can sell to have more to be able to breathe a little easier isn’t the solution to any of my problems.  The only way to solve this hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck BS that is my current way of life is to change the way I live.  Driving a little less (refer back to errands for work :/ ), using coupons, buying store brands and sale items.  I also have a problem with wanting everything for Lyla (and now Jayden too!).  Instead of taking toys from Lyla’s house to have at my apartment, I have gone out and bought new ones when I can “afford it”, although I can never truly afford it! Perhaps flying back to CT for every event that has happened since I moved to Florida is a little frivolous and over the top but I know that I would one day regret not being at my nephew’s first birthday party, a great friend’s wedding, my sister’s bridal shower, my best friend’s baby shower.  Those memories are truly priceless and someday down the line I won’t remember the fact that not only did I defer an insurance payment, mess up the double payment, overdraw the wrong bank account then losing an extra $30.00 in overdraft fees in a result of all that…  None of that will matter. I didn’t take pictures of me pouting outside the bank. I’ll eventually throw out the bill of the double payment and never remember this part of the story (well, now I will thanks to actually blogging about it but you know what I mean!) – and that in and of itself is confirmation that I am doing the right thing, making the right choices.

I just… (le sigh) I just wish I could have a little cushion to fall back onI’m not talking a bank account in the Cayman Islands (thought I wouldn’t complain) under an alias of Nollaf Bethazile Nena Faschfer (that’s just my real name scrambled, fyi) with ten figures.  I’m just talking a couple thousand that makes eating a Pei-Wei just another day instead of a special feast in comparison to my breakfast, lunch and dinner consisting of cereal and fruit or turkey sandwiches; just $60.00 extra somewhere to buy an effin vacuum that works! (you know you’re old when… much?!?!) I’m not looking for a 4,000 square foot house surrounded by water with killer views of the sunrise and sunset.

Again, I know money will not buy me love, happiness, health and an indelible smile.  Money comes with its own brood of problems.  I’m aware.  It just has to offer a little peace of mind, an “ah moment” if you will when let’s say (knock on wood, bite my tongue and your tongue too!) should something happen to me there’s a soft place to land, something to aide me in getting back on my feet. There has to be some secret that I haven’t been let in on yet.  Guess I can only wait and see what happens, work hard to change my habits and hope for the best =)

ice cream

Suppose that’s all the rambling I will unload onto you for tonight.
~Beth

BTW – If you think about it, these days money can buy love via match.com, eharmony… (recently I’ve been debating signing up for one or the other – but I don’t have the money… once more – le sigh!)

& six le sighs in one post is so totally ok, incase you’re wondering!!

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