Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dirty Little Secrets

It seems as though I’m having some issues when it comes to blogging :/
Sorry world! I know I’ve left you sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for what’s to come next.
I’m just drawing a blank. Life has been pretty quiet. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my nose in a book recently managing a book every day or two. When I’m not reading, I’m writing… like real writing – working on Novel Nine (I need to work on a name for this one – by far my favorite that I have written but the name just isn’t there yet). Real writing as opposed to this rambling, venting, babbling that I do here.
My sister’s wedding is coming up (seven weeks and one day until the day of her wedding!). I cannot wait – for many reasons. I can’t wait to watch her walk down the aisle, to sign her marriage license as her witness and maid of honor, to have a champagne toast early in the morning in the bridal sweet at the Villa Bianca. I can’t wait to have us all done up again to party like rock stars. I can’t wait to make my speech (that is more comedy than anything!) that I have yet to write but it’s all up here (tapping my noggin). Perhaps that’s some productive writing I could be doing! I also can’t wait because after her wedding is over my bank account will breathe a little easier… and so will I! You’d think that will all that money being spent on flights, dresses, alterations (flying in order to have said dress altered), shoes, make-up, mani-pedis, hair… all that good stuff I would refrain from frivolous spending. But nope, not this chick! I’ve needed clothes since, well, 2006-ish, and when do I actually buy some? Like a decent amount of money spent on a decent amount of clothing – yeap, right now, in the midst of wedding spending spree!! :: shrugs shoulders :: I will live. I will make it through this. Everything always comes together. Everything that needs to happen happens somehow or another.

Due to lack of motivation, inspiration, hell, dedication – I’m going to participate in another challenge (although this didn’t help when I tried the photography challenge. I think I stopped on day 4?! Whoops!)
But really – gung-ho on this one! (found through
The Mean Girl Diaries and she found it through Tales of a Hockey Wife)

Day 1 : 10 Secrets

~Once upon a time I had to sleep in a pitch black room with almost eerie silence. Since I moved to Florida I have to sleep with a light on (normally the lamp in the living room as it’s my “middle room” and it lights up my entire apartment) and I cringe when the central air shuts off. The silence here is pretty deafening!

~I want babies more than I want to be married. It’s not that I don’t want to get married but if I had to pick one or the other I would pick babies eleven times out of ten. I want to be a mother more than anything in this world – so bad that it literally / physically hurts. I’m not sure this is a big secret but it’s counting.

~I feel like I don’t belong in my family. My parents always wanted two children and didn’t shy away from telling my two older sisters and I this. I am number three. I know their life would have been completely different without me – different as in easier. One less mouth to feed, one less child to clothe and bring to the doctors… Maybe if there were only two kids they would have spent less time moving and have a forever home and be genuinely happy without scars that no one dares to talk about.

~My father spent a year in prison. I grew up in a family that a situation didn’t exist if we didn’t talk about it. I so badly want to ask him about it, what it was like… but I’m afraid of the waves that will cause. (I was 18 when he was in jail and I spent the first two to three months running out of the house when he called so I didn’t have to talk to him – “out of sight, out of mind”, “ignorance is bliss” I don’t know what my reasoning was. One day I got “trapped” and my mom handed me the phone. I talked to him for the allotted fifteen minutes (we didn’t discuss why I hadn’t spoken to him in so long) and then went in my room and cried for two days straight.

~I wouldn’t have made it to 27 if it weren’t for my friends, Trish and Michelle. They seriously are my rocks, my solid foundation, my go-to girls when it comes to anything. We have been friends since we were 12. Long stretches of time have passed without seeing and/or talking and whenever we hang out again it’s like we never left. We have been there for each other through everything even if we didn’t entirely support the other’s decisions – we always supported them… I seriously have two of the best friends in entire world!!

~I have a book – not a novel – that I write when I need to escape reality. I have been working on this one since I was fourteen. It will never be published because everything that happens in the novel is very similar to what has happened in my real life. It’d be like publishing everything I have ever thought, felt, witnessed and wished over the past 13 years. That’d be unnerving to say the least!

~On the way to Florida I slept with my ex-boyfriend that I swore I would never even see again. I feel like crap because of it. I only let myself down in result of it but sometimes those are the failures that hurt the most.

~I was raped when I was just 16 (3 weeks after my 16th birthday). No one knows (not even the two best friends that I have had forever and would die for). My family doesn’t know about this blog so they still won’t know. I don’t know what this says about me – that I can put this out in the blogosphere before I can tell my family. Perhaps this connects back to the secret of feeling as though I don’t belong.

~I want to donate my eggs. I want to do it to help a couple have a baby … but it would also help me breathe a little easier financially. It sounds terrible to give up my ‘baby’ for money, but then I get to thinking about it and realize that it’s probably better off to donate my eggs then to have them go unused. I’m still on the fence but I’m thinking the red numbers that are piling up are eventually going to do the deciding for me…

~I miss Connecticut. I DO NOT miss the cold and the drama and chaos. I miss the familiarity. I miss having friends to hang out with. I miss my family, mostly my nephew. I feel guilty not being there for my sister in the last few weeks before her wedding when I am the maid of honor. I am missing Michelle’s pregnancy – the first baby in our group of 3. I miss Mondays at Maggie’s, Tuesdays at O’Connors, Wednesdays at Widow’s, Thirsty Thursdays where ever the party was, where ever our friends band was playing Friday and Saturday and back to Widow’s on Sunday for Open Mic night. It all makes me sad. I kind of (really want to) pack up my car and head “home” but I feel (know) I have not give Florida enough time yet. I’m also afraid that everyone who doubted my ever moving here will have a field day on me if I don’t make it at least a year. I have to rough it until May ‘12. After that I can make a better educated decision.

Truth be told – that’s a lot of baggage… I keep secrets apparently. Maybe I need to work on this… Just a thought!
That’s all for now. It’s 2 am and I have absolutely no idea what time I’m supposed to be working tomorrow!! Just because I am up so late / early, Danielle will text me asking for an 8am morning. :::Sigh!:::

(right now if I were in CT I would be at Widow’s heading into the kitchen – we were good friends with the bartenders and owners – where we would hide out eating salad until the crowd was forced out and we could head back out into the bar continuing to drink while helping clean. I miss cleaning up after a bar full of drunks is kind of what that translates to!)

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