Monday, October 24, 2011

Forgive me, Blogland…

For I have sinned. It has been 17 days since my last post.

I don’t even know where to begin. I simply don’t know how to summarize all that has gone on in the last 2 weeks.  I was in CT for 11 of the 17 days. I put 1,100 miles on the rental car – yes averaging 100 miles per day.  We were constantly partying (be it friends, family or family & friends) as we counted down the days to my sister’s wedding with a rehersal dinner, a bachelorette party, final dress fittings, the night before sleepover with my sister, 2 of our good friends and I. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends. I had a baby shower to go to. I worked 34 hours in 3 1/2 days at Country Kids.  I consumed more than a little too much alcohol. I laughed a lot. I cried a little – happy tears of course. I spent time bundled in warm clothes around a bonfire and fully clothed in a sauna.  I made a pact with a good friend that makes my unknown future look a little more tolerable.  I texted one person over 800 times.  Every text made me smile, made my heart flutter (that covered a slight ache).  The thin silver lining turned into the blue sky, the rainbow and the pot of the gold at the end.  I fought the urge to miss my flight this morning heading back to the Sunshine State.  I fought the urge to cry as I sat on the plane as I thought of everything that I was leaving behind.  I cursed myself for being smart and resigning the lease for my apartment in FL for another 9 months before this trip.  I know if I didn’t sign that lease I would have come back to FL simply to pack up my life and head back to CT.  At least this way I miss the terrible cold that is winter in CT.

It’s taken me about 2 hours to put that together.  The more I think about this, the more I think I am over blogging…..  I’m just sayin…. 
That’s all I’m writing for now. I might be back… and apparently part of me might not want to do this anymore.

This may just be it…

Friday, October 7, 2011

So What?!?!

so what if I’ve been on a crash diet of yogurt, chicken broth, brown rice, fruits and veggies for the past three days and today caved because I went past a Dunkin Donuts and saw the “Pumpkin is back” sign. 

so what if three days of hard work was wasted when I pulled through the drive-thru and ordered a pumpkin donut and an unsweetened iced tea and killed the donut before I even turned onto Logan (approximately 3 minutes driving time)…

let me tell you when you’re normally a carb freak and you go protein-less (ultimately) and brown rice rather than whole wheat or veggie pasta you can lose yourself in the cravings!!

So what?!?! It was DELICIOUS!!! So delicious in fact, this girl may head there tomorrow too… cheating 24 hours then it’s back to the grind…

after all I’m trying to maintain at this point, not lose as my dress has already been altered! So 3 days of good eating + 1 extremely delicious pumpkin donut = A-OK in my book =)

Seriously though, so what?!
Happy Fall!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

To–Do & To-Want

I’m sitting in my living room.  The lights are off, the only light is from a flame on a Harvest Blend candle that dances in the breeze caused by my cranked down central air.  I’m trying to replicate New England’s fall as I bundle myself up in fleece pajama pants and a hooded sweatshirt.  It’s kind of working outside of the knowledge of palm trees outside of my apartment and the damp bathing suits hanging in the bathroom, wet armies on the kitchen counter.  If I don’t think too much I can almost smell fall. 

I’m sitting in my living room, in my giant bean bag chair that, besides facebook, Blogger and Pinterest, is my ultimate anti-productivity.  I swear this chair is a black hole for me.  Once I fall into it I have to remain here for at least an hour.  I’m contractually obligated ... or so it seems.  I’ve spent the night writing my first checklist of the many things to do in the next week.  It includes
- add to/fix revise speech/toast
- work on Mike’s vows
- empty memory card & charge batteries
- start packing
- wear in new shoes so they’re comfortable for the wedding night
- make playlist on iPod (RIP Steve Jobs) for the rehersal dinner
- make list of pictures Stina wants on wedding day
- figure out bachelorette party
- return books to library before leaving
- clean apartment
- figure out what I’m getting Michelle for her shower gift

I laugh reading that.  I think I’ll do my speech, Mike’s vows and the list of pictures on the plane. Secretly I know I won’t because Grey’s Anatomy is on while I’m in the air. Thank you, JetBlue! Start packing? With a week left in Florida? Ha! I have a week and a couple of hours before I have to worry about this one! Can’t do much about the bachelorette party from here – that’ll have to wait (till when? Oh the day of, of course!). Clean my apartment ::scans room – shrugs shoulders:: it’s not dirty but it could use a little tidying up.  Another day.  So tomorrow is going to include making a playlist while emptying my memory card wearing new high heals and cleaning my apartment.  It should be a good day!

Tomorrow is lining up to be busy outside of my cleaning and computing in high heels.  I’m going to check out a new apartment. I may or may not be moving.  The new apartment is two bedrooms, two bathrooms.  The extra space would be nice – but it’s also just more room to make a mess in.  I’m pretty fond of my apartment but I’m not gonna lie, if this new apartment has some sort of porch/patio/lania it’s sianara Bermuda Island, Hello... crap I can’t remember the name of the new place.  But what’s in a name?! It’s all about the outdoor space.  But moving is also a pain and I’ve done more than my share of moving so I’ll have to love, love, LOVE this new place to uproot.  I can’t believe I have been here 6 months already, that my lease is almost up and that I’m debating moving.  Time flies when you’re lounging at the beach or by the pool! On top of apartment hunting, I have to do something that is going to break my heart.  I’m broke. It’s official. My savings count has dwindled to mere dollars not even in the double digits. I have so much coming up that I need to pay for that I have no choice but to sell a gold bracelet that was my grandmother’s to have enough money to make it through this insanity.  I have had the bracelet in my purse for awhile now debating it wondering if I just live off of yogurt and pasta if I’ll have enough money to make my car payment and get my hair, nails and make-up done for my sister’s wedding.  I keep thinking about how much it sucks to give up something that was my grandmother’s, that I remember picking out in Macy’s with my parents for my grandmother, just to make it through one week.  That the money is just going to be gone with nothing much to show for it – and the bracelet will be gone too.  It breaks my heart but I just don’t think I have a choice anymore right now. The good thing is that my grandmother had the tiniest wrist ever and we had to resize the bracelet. With the extra length we had a heart shaped pendant made. I’m not selling that. She wore the bracelet more often than the necklace and the heart is small but it’s something to hang on to.  It just breaks my heart.  I guess my grandmother would want me to be able to be an active part of Christina’s wedding so ultimately she’s giving me the gift of being able to participate. I know she’s not only with me because of the bracelet in my jewelry box.  She’s forever in my heart, more in the intangible things than the tangible.

Like her recipe for candied apples – holy amazing! I need to make these ASAP – especially with the exceptionally great honeycrisp apples that Target has been providing me with.  It’d be like heaven in a bowl!  Grandma would put –never exact measurements by eye and to taste – white sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon and red hots in a cored apple in the oven –or microwave but the oven is sooo much better- and cook it until the inside was mush.  Let me tell you – heaven in a bowl doesn’t quite do it justice!

Ten Secrets. Nine Loves. Eight Fears. Seven Wants. Six Places. Five Foods. Four Books. Three Films. Two Songs. One Photo of Yourself.

Seven wants.
-friends and a life in Naples. I enjoy the quite that Naples provides – sometimes.  But I just wish there would be some noise and activity occasionally.

-this silver lining to become my blue sky, my deep sigh, my reason to smile, to strive for more. I don’t even know too much about this yet. I have to head back to CT to figure all this out.  I will let you know when I know.

-a new car. Of course a tangible item had to hit the list sometime.  I LOVE my Toyota Corolla Sport that I have now, but it’s pushing 80,000 miles (in 4 years!).  Lyla’s family recently moved and I now have to drive past a Toyota dealership to get to their house.  I find myself taking my eyes off the road for uncomfortably long stretches of time craning my neck to see what cars they have on the lot.  I really want a RAV4 or a Highlander. The Highlander is my preference but it’s kind of a beast and semi-unnecessary. 

-a baby. a family of my own. Does this count as something tangible?  Seriously though I feel as though a good portion of my heart is missing, that I’m so blah right now because I’m missing what I want most from this life.  My body aches to house and grow a baby.  At night I long for arms to hold me.  I’m ready for the next step.

-a better lens for my cameraI find myself constantly changing lenses and even upon changing them cannot accomplish what I want.

-to publish one of my novels. I’m still working on (still lovingly dubbed) Novel Nine.  But I have 8 finished novels. I would love to begin the process of getting one published. I’m terrified of being criticized though so instead my roughs remain on my external hard drive, a copy burnt onto discs hidden in – wait, just hidden! Some day world, look out! I’ll get there.. hopefully!

-furniture. Again, hello materialistic tangible things that once I get I will instantly turn to want something new, different, bigger, better.  I, in my 27 years of life, have never owned a bedroom set.  I always had the mix and match dresser with the hand me down bed frame and a build it yourself cheap wood desk and bookshelf.  I want real furniture – a bedroom set and a living room set.  It’ll happen soon.

-And one for good luck?  I want to go to CMA Fest in Nashville next year.  It was tradition with my sister for a few years. Somehow life took over and we somehow lost that tradition.  I miss it.  We were getting familiar with the area.  We knew the goings on of the concert and could manipulate our way back stage a couple of times – or at least into the gold member circle.  Yeah, I miss those days! It’ll happen!

I’m pretty sure I’m back in full swing blogging mode.  I found myself thinking about it all day today – and I’m thinking that’s a good thing!! Of course I’m back into it now when I have a to-do list that’s growing faster than I can check things off…  What else is new though?  And I’m not too worried everything always manages to get done somehow or another!
Happy Hump Day, World!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Silence Explained

First off, and most importantly, the GIVEAWAY!
It feels like forever ago that I agreed to do a give away for MyMemories – what? It has been?!  Yeah, I suppose your right!  MyMemories is by far the most fantastic digital scrapbooking program EVER!  I’m not just saying that for brownie points from MyMemories, I’m saying it cause it’s true! It’s easy to use.  There are a million free packages of papers and embellishments on their page.  It’s by far the best program on my computer right now! 
I’m working on a project right now (when I get a spare minute – keep reading to find out just how hard those spare minutes are to find!) of making a cookbook with all family recipes as well as other personal favorites I have found in my travels.  I am going to get at least one recipe from every family member and combine it into a snazzy little book and then print one out for everyone as a Christmas gift.  Look at this program go! It’s making Scrooge think of Christmas in September , right October – time is FLYING!

I will be doing a giveaway once I attract a couple of interested readers/commenters at least.  One winner will receive a digital copy of the MyMemories Suite V2.0 and let me be the one to tell you, you WANT this!  I’ve also been given a promo code that is good for $10.00 off your purchase of the program if you aren’t lucky enough to win it this time around – and once you buy the product you will receive a $10.00 credit in the store.
The promo code is: STMMMS21526
Do yourself a favor and at the very least browse in their store, watch their video, check them out on facebook or at least check out the pages I posted awhile back of the cookbook I’m working on.  I can guarantee you will not be sorry!

It’s no secret that silence has overtaken my blog!
Sometimes silence is needed, appreciated, longed for and more than welcome. Other times silence is heavy, deafening with too many questions left lingering unanswered.  My silence here started as the appreciated kind, the needed and wanted.  I set up a guestroom for this houseguest and it has turned into a welcome extended stay.  Life has been chaotic, unnerving, gut wrenching (no, literally!) in every other aspect of my life that the silence here was embraced.  I occasionally opened a blank document in LiveWriter.  I’d come up with a title, have a general idea of something to say, type a few lines before shaking my head no and closing out of the program and walking away from my computer.  Even now I have the strongest urge to close out of this and just go pick up a book… I will fight, type away and hit the publish button regardless of how I feel about it.

Recently I’ve resided in a place emotionally that, in all honesty, is better off not shared.  I never quite recovered completely from my last trip to Connecticut where I spent a night corralled in the woods with one friend while my sister gave me crap about the tension I was causing.  I hit a ‘better’ point but I was pretty low so anything was better.  My head is a murky mess of ‘what if’ and ‘shouldn’t I’.  I can’t help but think that life at twenty-seven is supposed to be something bigger and better than this.  It doesn’t help that my sister’s wedding is fast approaching and I’m knee deep in to-do lists and IOUs (not really but my account is hitting that point) trying to get everything done and keep everyone happy.  My goal with moving to Florida was to do more for myself, to be selfish and figure out what I want from this life.  Instead it has turned into doing everything for everyone else with the added stress, chaos and confusion from doing it from 1,400 miles away.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, my family, everyone I have ever helped, but the distance was supposed to take the burden off of me.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Now I get to-do lists followed by guilt trips about how much easier it would be if I didn’t move the length of the country away. My mother told me I shouldn’t have moved before my sister’s wedding.  I asked her if I was supposed to put my life on hold because of her wedding to which my mom responded “yes, because that’s what sisters do for each other”.  Last I knew sisters supported each other’s decisions if it is what is going to make them happy, not be the most convenient during wedding planning.  So my ‘life’ has been put on the back burner … again. I’m beginning to think that’s just what my life was meant to be – second best to everyone else’s. I’m a mere footnote in someone everyone else’s happiness.
I digress. 
So besides to-do lists a mile long, bank accounts crying as I book another round trip flight to CT, pay for dresses, hair and make-up, rehersal dinners and bachelorette parties, writing speeches and my brother-in-law’s vows, I was also diagnosed with a peptic ulcer three weeks ago.  Ulcers equal no fun, I don’t know if you knew.  I have lived on yogurt and green veggies (a few other things are making it back into the diet just now) for three weeks.  Any time I ventured away from my very strict diet I paid for it … severely.  I spent full days in bed near tears, unable to get comfortable, to sleep or get out of bed to take Tylenol PM (that I became co-dependent on for awhile there) so I could escape the pain of it all. 

Overall, physically, mentally, emotionally I have just been in a bad place.  I don’t know if ignoring my blog helped or hurt the situation but it’s the path I chose.  I’m not better yet.  I don’t think I will be until after my sister’s wedding is over.  Why? Because my ex is in the wedding party and he took my heart down a bad road the last time I was around him.  Because everything my sisters have makes me realize all I’m lacking.  Because when I’m around my family I can’t forget that my parents never really wanted me and don’t hesitate saying that around me.  Because I’m going to be re-submerged into a life where every breath I take is for someone else and getting nothing but grief and heartache in return.  Because worry, stress and overexerting myself is only going to aggravate my stomach’s fragile condition. 

Ten Secrets. Nine Loves. Eight Fears. Seven Wants. Six Places. Five Foods. Four Books. Three Films. Two Songs. One Photo of Yourself.

eight fears.
8) Spiders, moths, bugs, anything that has more than two legs. And things that don’t have legs and can move on land (snakes!)

7) health- mine, my sisters, my family, my friends.. I feel like there are things brewing on all fronts (well, two at least)

6) that I will never be good enough for the people around me

5) that I will never be good enough for myself

4) recently, the dark. I’ve started leaving the living room light on in my 700 sq ft apartment. It lights the entire place up

3) failure

2) that this is all life is and ever will be

1) ending up alone and never having kids (they go hand in hand)

Despite all this negativity here there is at least one positive thing in the works.  I’ll let you know more when I know more, but I’ll tell you this much –this news is definitely this storm clouds silver lining! My hope and often what gets me up and out of bed.  It’s very early stages, a lot of strings and a lot of potential for happiness or heartache… right now though – it’s something that is mine, for me, about me!

I hope this breaks the silence. I hope tomorrow night as I’m lounging in my small, silent apartment I will kick my houseguest out claiming he’s overstayed his welcome.  I hope I’ll clean the last of the remnants from my pity party for two – me and my silence.  Yes, the silence was needed, embraced and relished in but it’s time to step back up to the plate and take another swing at this being truly, genuinely happy…
A brief picture summary of where I want to be right now-
no more excusesfind ur passioni want to move forward
Pretty good plan, no?!

For now – and hopefully for just a night or two -
Good Night

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