Monday, October 3, 2011

Silence Explained

First off, and most importantly, the GIVEAWAY!
It feels like forever ago that I agreed to do a give away for MyMemories – what? It has been?!  Yeah, I suppose your right!  MyMemories is by far the most fantastic digital scrapbooking program EVER!  I’m not just saying that for brownie points from MyMemories, I’m saying it cause it’s true! It’s easy to use.  There are a million free packages of papers and embellishments on their page.  It’s by far the best program on my computer right now! 
I’m working on a project right now (when I get a spare minute – keep reading to find out just how hard those spare minutes are to find!) of making a cookbook with all family recipes as well as other personal favorites I have found in my travels.  I am going to get at least one recipe from every family member and combine it into a snazzy little book and then print one out for everyone as a Christmas gift.  Look at this program go! It’s making Scrooge think of Christmas in September , right October – time is FLYING!

I will be doing a giveaway once I attract a couple of interested readers/commenters at least.  One winner will receive a digital copy of the MyMemories Suite V2.0 and let me be the one to tell you, you WANT this!  I’ve also been given a promo code that is good for $10.00 off your purchase of the program if you aren’t lucky enough to win it this time around – and once you buy the product you will receive a $10.00 credit in the store.
The promo code is: STMMMS21526
Do yourself a favor and at the very least browse in their store, watch their video, check them out on facebook or at least check out the pages I posted awhile back of the cookbook I’m working on.  I can guarantee you will not be sorry!

It’s no secret that silence has overtaken my blog!
Sometimes silence is needed, appreciated, longed for and more than welcome. Other times silence is heavy, deafening with too many questions left lingering unanswered.  My silence here started as the appreciated kind, the needed and wanted.  I set up a guestroom for this houseguest and it has turned into a welcome extended stay.  Life has been chaotic, unnerving, gut wrenching (no, literally!) in every other aspect of my life that the silence here was embraced.  I occasionally opened a blank document in LiveWriter.  I’d come up with a title, have a general idea of something to say, type a few lines before shaking my head no and closing out of the program and walking away from my computer.  Even now I have the strongest urge to close out of this and just go pick up a book… I will fight, type away and hit the publish button regardless of how I feel about it.

Recently I’ve resided in a place emotionally that, in all honesty, is better off not shared.  I never quite recovered completely from my last trip to Connecticut where I spent a night corralled in the woods with one friend while my sister gave me crap about the tension I was causing.  I hit a ‘better’ point but I was pretty low so anything was better.  My head is a murky mess of ‘what if’ and ‘shouldn’t I’.  I can’t help but think that life at twenty-seven is supposed to be something bigger and better than this.  It doesn’t help that my sister’s wedding is fast approaching and I’m knee deep in to-do lists and IOUs (not really but my account is hitting that point) trying to get everything done and keep everyone happy.  My goal with moving to Florida was to do more for myself, to be selfish and figure out what I want from this life.  Instead it has turned into doing everything for everyone else with the added stress, chaos and confusion from doing it from 1,400 miles away.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, my family, everyone I have ever helped, but the distance was supposed to take the burden off of me.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Now I get to-do lists followed by guilt trips about how much easier it would be if I didn’t move the length of the country away. My mother told me I shouldn’t have moved before my sister’s wedding.  I asked her if I was supposed to put my life on hold because of her wedding to which my mom responded “yes, because that’s what sisters do for each other”.  Last I knew sisters supported each other’s decisions if it is what is going to make them happy, not be the most convenient during wedding planning.  So my ‘life’ has been put on the back burner … again. I’m beginning to think that’s just what my life was meant to be – second best to everyone else’s. I’m a mere footnote in someone everyone else’s happiness.
I digress. 
So besides to-do lists a mile long, bank accounts crying as I book another round trip flight to CT, pay for dresses, hair and make-up, rehersal dinners and bachelorette parties, writing speeches and my brother-in-law’s vows, I was also diagnosed with a peptic ulcer three weeks ago.  Ulcers equal no fun, I don’t know if you knew.  I have lived on yogurt and green veggies (a few other things are making it back into the diet just now) for three weeks.  Any time I ventured away from my very strict diet I paid for it … severely.  I spent full days in bed near tears, unable to get comfortable, to sleep or get out of bed to take Tylenol PM (that I became co-dependent on for awhile there) so I could escape the pain of it all. 

Overall, physically, mentally, emotionally I have just been in a bad place.  I don’t know if ignoring my blog helped or hurt the situation but it’s the path I chose.  I’m not better yet.  I don’t think I will be until after my sister’s wedding is over.  Why? Because my ex is in the wedding party and he took my heart down a bad road the last time I was around him.  Because everything my sisters have makes me realize all I’m lacking.  Because when I’m around my family I can’t forget that my parents never really wanted me and don’t hesitate saying that around me.  Because I’m going to be re-submerged into a life where every breath I take is for someone else and getting nothing but grief and heartache in return.  Because worry, stress and overexerting myself is only going to aggravate my stomach’s fragile condition. 

Ten Secrets. Nine Loves. Eight Fears. Seven Wants. Six Places. Five Foods. Four Books. Three Films. Two Songs. One Photo of Yourself.

eight fears.
8) Spiders, moths, bugs, anything that has more than two legs. And things that don’t have legs and can move on land (snakes!)

7) health- mine, my sisters, my family, my friends.. I feel like there are things brewing on all fronts (well, two at least)

6) that I will never be good enough for the people around me

5) that I will never be good enough for myself

4) recently, the dark. I’ve started leaving the living room light on in my 700 sq ft apartment. It lights the entire place up

3) failure

2) that this is all life is and ever will be

1) ending up alone and never having kids (they go hand in hand)

Despite all this negativity here there is at least one positive thing in the works.  I’ll let you know more when I know more, but I’ll tell you this much –this news is definitely this storm clouds silver lining! My hope and often what gets me up and out of bed.  It’s very early stages, a lot of strings and a lot of potential for happiness or heartache… right now though – it’s something that is mine, for me, about me!

I hope this breaks the silence. I hope tomorrow night as I’m lounging in my small, silent apartment I will kick my houseguest out claiming he’s overstayed his welcome.  I hope I’ll clean the last of the remnants from my pity party for two – me and my silence.  Yes, the silence was needed, embraced and relished in but it’s time to step back up to the plate and take another swing at this being truly, genuinely happy…
A brief picture summary of where I want to be right now-
no more excusesfind ur passioni want to move forward
Pretty good plan, no?!

For now – and hopefully for just a night or two -
Good Night

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