Wednesday, October 5, 2011

To–Do & To-Want

I’m sitting in my living room.  The lights are off, the only light is from a flame on a Harvest Blend candle that dances in the breeze caused by my cranked down central air.  I’m trying to replicate New England’s fall as I bundle myself up in fleece pajama pants and a hooded sweatshirt.  It’s kind of working outside of the knowledge of palm trees outside of my apartment and the damp bathing suits hanging in the bathroom, wet armies on the kitchen counter.  If I don’t think too much I can almost smell fall. 

I’m sitting in my living room, in my giant bean bag chair that, besides facebook, Blogger and Pinterest, is my ultimate anti-productivity.  I swear this chair is a black hole for me.  Once I fall into it I have to remain here for at least an hour.  I’m contractually obligated ... or so it seems.  I’ve spent the night writing my first checklist of the many things to do in the next week.  It includes
- add to/fix revise speech/toast
- work on Mike’s vows
- empty memory card & charge batteries
- start packing
- wear in new shoes so they’re comfortable for the wedding night
- make playlist on iPod (RIP Steve Jobs) for the rehersal dinner
- make list of pictures Stina wants on wedding day
- figure out bachelorette party
- return books to library before leaving
- clean apartment
- figure out what I’m getting Michelle for her shower gift

I laugh reading that.  I think I’ll do my speech, Mike’s vows and the list of pictures on the plane. Secretly I know I won’t because Grey’s Anatomy is on while I’m in the air. Thank you, JetBlue! Start packing? With a week left in Florida? Ha! I have a week and a couple of hours before I have to worry about this one! Can’t do much about the bachelorette party from here – that’ll have to wait (till when? Oh the day of, of course!). Clean my apartment ::scans room – shrugs shoulders:: it’s not dirty but it could use a little tidying up.  Another day.  So tomorrow is going to include making a playlist while emptying my memory card wearing new high heals and cleaning my apartment.  It should be a good day!

Tomorrow is lining up to be busy outside of my cleaning and computing in high heels.  I’m going to check out a new apartment. I may or may not be moving.  The new apartment is two bedrooms, two bathrooms.  The extra space would be nice – but it’s also just more room to make a mess in.  I’m pretty fond of my apartment but I’m not gonna lie, if this new apartment has some sort of porch/patio/lania it’s sianara Bermuda Island, Hello... crap I can’t remember the name of the new place.  But what’s in a name?! It’s all about the outdoor space.  But moving is also a pain and I’ve done more than my share of moving so I’ll have to love, love, LOVE this new place to uproot.  I can’t believe I have been here 6 months already, that my lease is almost up and that I’m debating moving.  Time flies when you’re lounging at the beach or by the pool! On top of apartment hunting, I have to do something that is going to break my heart.  I’m broke. It’s official. My savings count has dwindled to mere dollars not even in the double digits. I have so much coming up that I need to pay for that I have no choice but to sell a gold bracelet that was my grandmother’s to have enough money to make it through this insanity.  I have had the bracelet in my purse for awhile now debating it wondering if I just live off of yogurt and pasta if I’ll have enough money to make my car payment and get my hair, nails and make-up done for my sister’s wedding.  I keep thinking about how much it sucks to give up something that was my grandmother’s, that I remember picking out in Macy’s with my parents for my grandmother, just to make it through one week.  That the money is just going to be gone with nothing much to show for it – and the bracelet will be gone too.  It breaks my heart but I just don’t think I have a choice anymore right now. The good thing is that my grandmother had the tiniest wrist ever and we had to resize the bracelet. With the extra length we had a heart shaped pendant made. I’m not selling that. She wore the bracelet more often than the necklace and the heart is small but it’s something to hang on to.  It just breaks my heart.  I guess my grandmother would want me to be able to be an active part of Christina’s wedding so ultimately she’s giving me the gift of being able to participate. I know she’s not only with me because of the bracelet in my jewelry box.  She’s forever in my heart, more in the intangible things than the tangible.

Like her recipe for candied apples – holy amazing! I need to make these ASAP – especially with the exceptionally great honeycrisp apples that Target has been providing me with.  It’d be like heaven in a bowl!  Grandma would put –never exact measurements by eye and to taste – white sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon and red hots in a cored apple in the oven –or microwave but the oven is sooo much better- and cook it until the inside was mush.  Let me tell you – heaven in a bowl doesn’t quite do it justice!


Ten Secrets. Nine Loves. Eight Fears. Seven Wants. Six Places. Five Foods. Four Books. Three Films. Two Songs. One Photo of Yourself.

Seven wants.
-friends and a life in Naples. I enjoy the quite that Naples provides – sometimes.  But I just wish there would be some noise and activity occasionally.

-this silver lining to become my blue sky, my deep sigh, my reason to smile, to strive for more. I don’t even know too much about this yet. I have to head back to CT to figure all this out.  I will let you know when I know.

-a new car. Of course a tangible item had to hit the list sometime.  I LOVE my Toyota Corolla Sport that I have now, but it’s pushing 80,000 miles (in 4 years!).  Lyla’s family recently moved and I now have to drive past a Toyota dealership to get to their house.  I find myself taking my eyes off the road for uncomfortably long stretches of time craning my neck to see what cars they have on the lot.  I really want a RAV4 or a Highlander. The Highlander is my preference but it’s kind of a beast and semi-unnecessary. 

-a baby. a family of my own. Does this count as something tangible?  Seriously though I feel as though a good portion of my heart is missing, that I’m so blah right now because I’m missing what I want most from this life.  My body aches to house and grow a baby.  At night I long for arms to hold me.  I’m ready for the next step.

-a better lens for my cameraI find myself constantly changing lenses and even upon changing them cannot accomplish what I want.

-to publish one of my novels. I’m still working on (still lovingly dubbed) Novel Nine.  But I have 8 finished novels. I would love to begin the process of getting one published. I’m terrified of being criticized though so instead my roughs remain on my external hard drive, a copy burnt onto discs hidden in – wait, just hidden! Some day world, look out! I’ll get there.. hopefully!

-furniture. Again, hello materialistic tangible things that once I get I will instantly turn to want something new, different, bigger, better.  I, in my 27 years of life, have never owned a bedroom set.  I always had the mix and match dresser with the hand me down bed frame and a build it yourself cheap wood desk and bookshelf.  I want real furniture – a bedroom set and a living room set.  It’ll happen soon.

-And one for good luck?  I want to go to CMA Fest in Nashville next year.  It was tradition with my sister for a few years. Somehow life took over and we somehow lost that tradition.  I miss it.  We were getting familiar with the area.  We knew the goings on of the concert and could manipulate our way back stage a couple of times – or at least into the gold member circle.  Yeah, I miss those days! It’ll happen!


I’m pretty sure I’m back in full swing blogging mode.  I found myself thinking about it all day today – and I’m thinking that’s a good thing!! Of course I’m back into it now when I have a to-do list that’s growing faster than I can check things off…  What else is new though?  And I’m not too worried everything always manages to get done somehow or another!
Happy Hump Day, World!
~Beth

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